Communication Curriculum Concealed
Finding your voice between 'I'm Fine' and 'I Need A Little Time' - the missing lessons for connection
🌸 ikigai 生き甲斐 is a reason for being, your purpose in life - from the Japanese iki 生き meaning life and gai 甲斐 meaning worth 🌸
How often do you swallow your words? Keep quiet when something really matters? Nod along while screaming inside?
I certainly have. Too many times to count.
It's a weird quirk of this messed up timeline that something as fundamental as communication, literally the way we connect with other humans, is something most of us are never properly taught. We pick it up as we go, inheriting patterns from our families, and often learning the hard way through painful trial and error.
For me, this often manifests in two little words "I'm fine".
Such a signature phrase that many moons ago, my friend Neil wrote me a poem called "The I'm Fine Girl". At the time, I was touched by his loving observation of my seemingly positive outlook. But looking back now, I wonder how many times those words were masks rather than truths, disconnect points rather than authentic connections.
Recently I stumbled across a brilliant infographic series “How to actually communicate (since no-one ever teaches us this)” by Nadia Addesi that stopped me in my tracks with its clarity. She explains that healthy communication wasn’t something many people saw growing up, that instead they were taught;
To stay quiet
That emotions are “too much”
That asking for what you need is 'needy'
That conflict means danger
… that so often we didn’t see conversation leading to connection but people talking at each other not with each other, escalating to arguments rather than resolution or repair.
Looking at these four points, I felt SUCH a jolt of recognition. Communication problems are barriers to living a purposeful, authentic life. How can we possibly find and live our ikigai if we've been conditioned to downplay or silence our own voices?
The hidden cost of silence
When we habitually swallow our words, we pay a price that goes far beyond awkward conversations. Research shows that self-silencing is linked to poorer physical health, higher rates of depression, and even premature mortality, especially for women. It can make us ill.
And suppressing emotions? That raises physiological stress responses and undermines long-term wellbeing. Our bodies weren't designed to contain all that unexpressed energy. It leaks out somewhere; into tension headaches, digestive issues, disrupted sleep, or a general sense of disconnect from ourselves and others.
The irony? We often stay quiet to protect relationships, yet research shows that assertive communication actually predicts better relationship quality and lower stress. Meanwhile, passivity breeds resentment and dissatisfaction, the very things we were trying to avoid.
Communication as a pathway to ikigai
Looking at this through the lens of ikigai, I see something fascinating. The ability to communicate effectively touches all four elements of our work worth doing framework;
What you love - How can we pursue what we love if we can't express what brings us joy?
What you're good at - Our skills flourish with feedback and collaboration, both requiring healthy communication.
What the world needs - Meeting needs means understanding them, which requires listening and expressing ideas clearly.
What you can be paid for - Value is recognised through effective communication about your worth and contributions.
Communication is a purpose enabler, the bridge between our inner world and outer reality, between what we dream and what we create.
When we're genuinely present, not just saying we're fine, we model the possibility of wellbeing for others. But the reverse is also true. When we're honest about our struggles, we give others permission to acknowledge theirs.
The essence of transformational communication
Addesi reframes what effective communication actually is, not winning arguments, but instead;
Clear, not passive or vague
Honest, even when uncomfortable
Curious, instead of reactive
Regulated, so you're intentional, not defensive
That last pair, curiosity and regulation, is where I think a lot of us struggle the most. When we feel criticised or questioned, our defensive shields can snap up instantly. The impulse to protect ourselves often overrides our capacity to listen and understand.
And yet, true connection comes not from control but from creating safety and openness. Approaching conversations as collaborative explorations rather than battles to be won.
Learning a new language of connection
So how do we learn to speak our truth in ways that build connection and psychological safety rather than creating conflict?
Here are essential habits that make a HUGE difference in communicating;
Identify your feelings
Before you can communicate effectively, you need to know what you're actually feeling. Many of us weren't taught an emotional vocabulary beyond "good," "bad," or... "fine."
Clearly naming your emotions lets you express yourself without blame. A simple practice of pausing to identify what you're feeling creates instant clarity and prevents emotional overwhelm from hijacking your communication.
Regulate before you speak
Our nervous systems are designed for connection, but also for protection. When we're triggered, our ability to communicate effectively, plummets. Taking a moment to settle your system through slow breathing, a short pause, or asking yourself "Am I reacting or responding?", creates space for thoughtful response rather than reactive communication.
This isn't about suppressing emotions but creating enough internal safety to express them constructively. Sometimes I write "breathe" at the top of my meeting notes as a reminder!
Own your experience with "I" language
The shift from "you always..." to "I feel..." completely transforms conversations. It moves us from blame (which triggers defensiveness) to sharing our experience (which invites understanding).
The formula is simple but powerful; "I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason]. I'd value [request]."
For example, instead of "You never listen to me," try "I feel discouraged when I'm interrupted because my thoughts feel dismissed. I'd value being able to finish my point before moving on".
Listen actively and reflect feelings
Active listening isn't a politeness thing (though I wish people *were* better with meeting etiquette and put their devices away when people are talking!), research shows it significantly increases comprehension and relationship satisfaction. The simple act of reflecting feelings ("that sounds frustrating") and paraphrasing what someone has said before responding demonstrates that you're truly hearing them.
"So what I'm hearing is... Did I get that right?" These magic words create safety and build connection, even in difficult conversations.
Choose curiosity over defence
Perhaps the hardest skill to master is approaching conversations with genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness. This means assuming positive intent and asking questions to clarify rather than jumping to accusations.
When someone says something that stings, instead of immediately defending yourself, try "I'm trying to understand, can you help me see what you mean by that?" This shifts the entire dynamic from combat to collaboration.
Make simple, direct requests
I’m not sure what it is in our society that has taught us that others should just know what we need (especially if they care about us). But mind-reading is not actually a life skill! Clearly stating your needs rather than expecting others to guess removes frustration on both sides.
Instead of hoping someone notices you're overwhelmed, try "I need some help with these three tasks by Friday, could you take one of them?"
Repair when communication breaks down
Perhaps the most powerful insight from relationship research is that it's not the absence of conflict that predicts relationship success, it's the presence of repair. Taking responsibility and apologising quickly builds trust rather than eroding it.
Acknowledging tension quickly ("I didn't handle that well, can we try again?") prevents small disconnections from becoming major ruptures.
Listening & communicating as a spiritual practice
For five years I sat in the stillness of a Samaritans phone booth at night, headset on, heart open. The training binder devotes more pages to active listening than to talking, because presence itself can be life‑saving. Volunteering there reframed communication for me, a weekly ritual of paying compassionate attention.
When we lead with listening; curious, non‑judgemental, willing to sit with silence, it aligns beautifully with what psychologists call Self-Determination Theory, which shows how autonomy, competence, and relatedness needs, underpin lasting wellbeing. Thoughtful communication helps meet all three, for ourselves and others.
🌸 Autonomy: the speaker can voice their truth
🌸 Competence: their feelings make sense
🌸 Relatedness: they are no longer alone
After that foundation is laid replying/speaking become stewardship rather than self‑defence.
When we communicate with intention and care, we move beyond exchanging information. We're co-creating the social soil in which purpose and sustainable happiness can grow. We're building connections that nourish our ikigai rather than depleting it.
And perhaps most importantly, we're modelling for others what's possible. Every time we choose authenticity over people-pleasing, clarity over confusion, or repair over retreat, we're showing those around us another way to be.
Swapping “I’m fine” for something real, and repairing whenever we miss the mark turns communication into a quiet spiritual practice, one that nourishes our own ikigai and invites others to cultivate theirs.
When it’s one-sided, protect your energy
Let's be honest, sometimes it feels like you're the only one doing this work. Being an emotionally aware person in relationships can be exhausting when others don't reciprocate with the same level of self-reflection or care in communication.
There's an unfairness to always being the one who regulates first, who chooses curiosity over defensiveness, who initiates repair after conflict. It can leave you feeling depleted rather than nourished, especially when you're met with indifference or continued harmful patterns from others.
While I HUGELY believe in the power of thoughtful communication, I also believe in protecting your energy. Sometimes the most self-honouring thing isn't yet more or better communication techniques, it's recognising when to walk away.
Not every relationship can or should be saved through improved communication. Some people aren't currently capable of meeting you in that space of vulnerability and growth, whether due to their own wounds, limited emotional capacity, or different values.
In these cases, take quiet comfort in being aligned with your own values. There's dignity in having tried, in having offered a better way of connecting. Sometimes the most authentic thing you can communicate is a boundary; perhaps through distance, perhaps through limiting certain topics, perhaps through ending the relationship entirely.
Your ikigai journey requires you to safeguard your wellbeing, not exhaust yourself trying to connect with those who consistently show they can't or won't reciprocate. Invest your precious energy where it can flourish, with people who value your effort to communicate meaningfully and who are willing to meet you halfway.
Journal prompts for reflecting on communication
I'd love to invite you to explore how communication impacts your own ikigai journey with some journal prompts;
How often do you say "I'm fine" when you're actually not? What would happen if you shared your genuine experience instead?
Which communication habit (being clear, honest, curious, or regulated) is most challenging for you? How might strengthening this aspect affect your relationships and sense of purpose?
Think of a recent conversation that didn't go well. How might applying one of these principles have changed the outcome?
What need are you not expressing that, if met, would help you move closer to your ikigai?
Remember, as Addesi wisely notes, you don't have to communicate perfectly. You just need to slow down, take responsibility, speak with care, and listen to understand, not to win.
Learning to communicate differently is all about tiny steps toward greater authenticity and connection that compound over time.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Are you an "I'm Fine" person too? Have you found particular communication practices that help you live more purposefully?
Here's to finding our voices, speaking our truth, and connecting more deeply with each other on this ikigai journey.
Sarah, seeking ikigai xxx
PS - For your bullet journal spreads, try creating a "Communication Patterns" tracker where you note situations that trigger old patterns vs. opportunities to practice new ones. Seeing these patterns visually can be incredibly revealing!
PPS - If you're interested in reading more on this topic, there were elements pulled from the following books and I’d love to hear your recommendations for further reading too! ;
"Non-violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg
"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John & Julie Gottman
"Difficult Conversations" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen
PPPS - And finally a song to reflect how I feel after sitting with this topic today and what can happen when communication isn’t working …
🎵 “A Little Time” by The Beautiful South - A break-up duet of barbed wit with a gorgeous tune, a raw exploration of miscommunication, emotional fatigue, and the need for space. It’s a song about what happens when conversations break down and we’re no longer hearing, or truly seeing, each other. It captures what can happen when emotional honesty is absent for too long. When needs go unspoken or are repeatedly dismissed, silence becomes armour, and connection erodes. This song reminds me that sometimes, “a little time” is the ache of unmet communication and the hope that, with honesty and care, things might be different next time. Acknowledging the mess and choosing not to sweep it under the carpet and assertively standing up for your own sanity.
Regulation...what is that 😉