šø ikigai ēćē²ę is a reason for being, your purpose in life - from the Japanese iki ēć meaning life and gai ē²ę meaning worth šø
"Things don't upset us, we choose to be upset by things"
That line hit hard when I needed it most. In a raw, immediate way that saved me from making an already awful situation infinitely worse.
It started with a podcast serendipitously surfaced on my drive in, on just the day I needed it. I was going through some psychologically unsafe stuff, struggling to maintain my usual cheery disposition, but more worryingly I was finding it harder and harder to keep my calm in what felt like an increasingly precarious situation.
The Daily Stoic's episode on The Stoic Response to ANGRY Times resonatedā¦ maybe because I was drowning and desperate, but that opening line about choosing to be upset felt less like philosophical pondering and more like a bloody lifeline.
I felt the lesson, deep in my bonesā¦ itās not that the stoics didnāt get angry, but that they understood that the reactions we take when we are angry are rarely helpful to us.
The stoics may have saved my life that day, arguably overdramatic *ahem*ā¦ but I was able to compartmentalise and rise above when I desperately needed to, and I'm so proud of myself for that.
The ancient emergency kit
Stoicism isn't just an intellectual exercise, it's emergency emotional first aid that you can deploy in real-time when everything is falling apart.
How often do we allow ourselves the luxury of stepping back, analysing our feelings and crafting the perfect response? Most of the time, life seems to demand instant reactions. That infuriating email lands in your inbox, someone cuts you off in traffic, your boss says something that makes your blood boil or you're dealing with a family member who seems determined to push every single one of your buttons.
The ancient Stoics understood this. They weren't sitting in ivory towers contemplating the meaning of existence, they were dealing with plagues, wars, political upheaval and all the messy, urgent realities of human life. Marcus Aurelius wrote his famous meditations while managing an empire and fighting battles on the frontier.
The "knob vs. knobbishly" reframe
I want to get practical, but also be honest with you about my struggles. The podcast reminded me of a lesson I find SO bloody hard to consistently implement; hate the behaviour, not the person. I know intellectually that this is the better, kinder response, but gosh, it's difficult!
It makes me feel a bit bitter and petty sometimes. I'm continually working hard to be better and make more people happy around me, while it seems others don't give a toss and somehow even get rewarded for causing hurt and pain. These messed-up systems we seem to accept as normal! Whinge over hehe.
So how do we reframe this? How do I learn to stop saying "So and so is a knob" and instead say "So and so is behaving knobbishly"? Why does that distinction actually matter? Why is it healthier?
The answer lies in properly understanding what this mental shift does for YOU, not for them.
When you label someone as fundamentally flawed, as a knob, an idiot, a terrible personā¦ you're actually trapping yourself in a story that offers no way forward. If they're inherently bad, then every interaction becomes confirmation of their badness, every small annoyance becomes evidence of their essential awfulness and you remain perpetually frustrated because you can't change who they fundamentally are.
But when you focus on the behaviour, when someone is "behaving knobbishly"... you're describing something temporary, contextual and changeable. You're keeping the door open for them to surprise you. More importantly, you're keeping YOUR door open to different responses.
The therapy of a good rant
Now before I sound like I'm suggesting you become some sort of emotionless robot who never complains about anything, sometimes we absolutely need to have a proper rant. For our own mental health, it's completely therapeutic to seek out support circles and let off some steam.
I've found this especially recently with groups of wonderful women who just get it. Friends who'll listen to you rage about someone and then help you process it all without judgment. There's something so healing about being heard and understood when you're struggling with something objectively awful.
None of us are perfect, and harmful actions genuinely do have a huge impact on our wellbeing. It's absolutely okay to acknowledge that impact and be graceful to ourselves on the days we struggle the most. We shouldnāt suppress every frustration, but itās helpful to choose consciously how we want to respond once we've had that moment of release.
So yes, I still have epic rants to my trusted circles about how "so and so is being a complete knob." The difference now is that I try to follow it up with "...but I know that's about their conduct, not their entire worth as a human being." Baby steps, right?
The neuroscience of ancient wisdom
My ikigai hero Ken Mogi has just released a fascinating new book on Stoicism (Think Like a Stoic: The Ancient Path to a Life Well Lived), and as a neuroscientist, he brings this wonderful perspective to ancient wisdom. He talks about how Stoicism offers "robust coping strategies for the challenges of modern life" and how we can "balance self-discipline with enjoying life's pleasures."
What struck me most in his introduction was his insight about what might be responsible for the emptiness many people feel todayā¦ the disappearance of traditional values and modes of thinking, combined with choice overload from the sheer diversity of opinions surrounding us.
That completely resonates with my mission here of being a trusted voice of care and curation, helping others find new ways of reframing life's challenges without having to read a zillion books hehe. Let me filter some of this wisdom for you through our modern lens.
The two minute stoic toolkit
When you're in the heat of the moment, when an infuriating situation is happening RIGHT NOW;
1. The Choice Recognition - Pause (even for five seconds) and ask: "Am I choosing to be upset right now?" Not whether you SHOULD be upset, not whether it's JUSTIFIED, just whether you're actively choosing it. This tiny shift puts you back in the driver's seat.
2. The Graceful Reframe - Instead of "This person is impossible" try "This behaviour is problematic." It sounds like semantics, but your brain processes these differently. One closes possibilities, the other keeps them open.
3. The Control Check - What can I actually influence right now? Their actions? No. My response? Absolutely. My energy expenditure? Completely. Where I put my attention next? Totally up to me.
4. The Future Self Question - How do I want to feel about how I handled this when I look back tomorrow? We donāt have to be perfect, but we can choose responses that are easier to live with.
A reminder though that if a situation is very unsafe or abusive, Stoicism may not be the tool, boundaries and escalation areā¦ protect your energy as a priority.
The art of tolerance & the future of ancient wisdom
Ken Mogi mentions something beautiful about Socrates in his book, how he strived to live in harmony with reason and nature, and his remarkable tolerance for other people's peculiarities. That's such a lesson we need right now, isn't it? Learning to live together with tolerance, recognising that everyone's fighting battles we know nothing about.
How do we extend that tolerance to people who seem actively harmful? How do we give grace to those who appear to be trying to hurt us? This is where I struggle most, where my ideals meet the messy reality of human relationships.
I think the answer lies in understanding that extending grace isn't about excusing harm or becoming a doormat. It's about protecting your own peace and energy. When you hold onto anger and resentment, when you categorise someone as fundamentally bad, you're the one carrying that weight around. You're the one whose peace gets disrupted every time you think about them.
You just need a few reliable techniques you can deploy when things get tough.
The beautiful thing about ancient wisdom is that it's been tested by thousands of years and millions of people facing every possible human challenge. Practical strategies that work because they're based on fundamental truths about how our minds and emotions operate.
As Mogi points out, Stoicism isn't just about personal growth, it's "the key to the future of humanity." In our world of information overload, social media chaos and constant outrage cycles, the Stoic ability to pause, assess and respond rather than react is both personally beneficial and socially essential.
Every time you choose not to escalate a situation, every time you respond to conduct rather than attacking character, every time you focus on what you can control rather than raging about what you can't, you're creating a calmer, more thoughtful corner of the world.
An invite to emergency preparedness
I'm not suggesting this is easy. I'm still working on it daily, still catching myself mid-rant and trying to reframe as "that behaviour was really unhelpful." But each time I manage it, each time I choose my response rather than letting it choose me, I feel a bit more like the person I want to be.
That's the gift of Stoicism through an ikigai lensā¦ not perfection, but practice. Not emotionless detachment, but conscious choice. Not passive acceptance, but active wisdom about where to direct your precious energy.
The next time you're facing one of those moments that could go either way, when someone's conduct is testing your limits and you can feel anger risingā¦ remember that you have a choice. You have ancient tools at your disposal, tested by centuries of humans who have faced many challenges.
The Stoics really can save your life, one conscious choice at a time.
Itās beautiful to consider this interplay of embodying both your purpose (ikigai) and a path to inner peace (stoicism). When you're curating wisdom for others, choosing your responses carefully, learning to separate patterns from the person, you're building resilience while contributing something meaningful to the world.
Iāll keep aiming for grace over grudgesā¦ when you're focused on what you can contribute, on how you're responding rather than reacting, it becomes easier to let go of what others are doing wrong. Precious energy directed toward things we can actually control.
That feels worth practicing.
Sarah, seeking ikigai xxx
PS - I'd genuinely love to hear about your own experiments with this ancient emergency toolkit. How do you handle those moments when everything feels overwhelming? What helps you choose your response rather than just reacting? Share a thought in the comments, hearing from you always makes my day!
PPS - āļø Bullet Journal Reflection Question
"Looking at this past week, which situations triggered my 'someone is a knob' response, and how might I reframe each one as 'that behaviour was...' instead?"
Then when you've done that, you can take a pic and ask your favourite AI helper for another angle >
š AI Prompt
"Based on the situations I've identified, what are three practical Stoic techniques I could try when I feel that familiar anger rising? Give me specific phrases or mental shortcuts I can use in the moment. Please give me a practical example of how to handle one of the situations effectively."
PPPS - š¶ This week's anthem "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.
I love the line "It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride" when you're trying to rewire years of ranty responses into something more graceful. We're all in the messy middle of figuring some stuff out. The whole song feels like a reminder that it's okay to be works in progress, and that sometimes the best thing you can hear is "everything's gonna be alright." Ancient Stoic wisdom meets early 2000s emo comfort.