That's Me in the Spotlight

Bringing my shadow ikigai into view

🌸 ikigai 生き甲斐 is a reason for being, your purpose in life - from the Japanese iki 生き meaning life and gai 甲斐 meaning worth 🌸

Have you spent too long in the corner, watching others live their dreams from afar?

Perhaps it's time to step into the spotlight of our own lives.

We're all searching for purpose, aren't we? Flicking through books, scrolling through inspirational quotes, filling our journals with reflections on what might bring meaning to our lives.

Yet there's something we're *not* talking about.

There's this... thing. The whispers we pretend not to hear, the tugs on our heartstrings we've gotten rather brilliant at ignoring. The things we secretly wish we could pursue but don't acknowledge, sometimes not even to ourselves.

Or is it just me?

I've started calling this "shadow ikigai", all those dreams and desires that we've buried beneath layers of practicality, other people's expectations, and our own fear of appearing selfish or silly or unrealistic or ... sighs ... just not good enough.

It's the book you've always wanted to write but dismiss as impractical. The business ideas that wake you up at 3am but feel too scary to voice. The career change that calls to you in quiet moments but seems impossible to achieve. The creative pursuit that makes your tummy fizz with excitement but seems frivolous compared to "real work".

What if the key to finding genuine purpose is in turning our attention to what we're deliberately NOT looking at?

That thought terrifies me. And excites me. Both at the same time. Which probably means there's something to it *grin*

The courage to see what we're avoiding

Have you ever caught yourself saying things like;

"I'd love to try that, but..."

"In another life, I would have been a..."

"If money were no object, I'd..."

These aren't just throwaway comments. They're the whispers of your shadow ikigai, the purpose you've kept hidden even from yourself. Little breadcrumbs scattered by your soul, hoping you might someday follow the trail back to what matters most.

I've been there. For years, I told myself and others that my purpose was to climb the corporate ladder, to secure stability and success in conventional terms. Meanwhile, I kept my love of writing, my dreams of helping others, tucked away in late-night blogs and private conversations with trusted friends. I was in the corner, watching the spotlight, afraid to step forward.

It wasn't until I started asking myself some uncomfortable questions that I began to see how much energy I was spending avoiding the very things that might bring me the most fulfilment. Like, a ridiculous amount of energy.

The most meaningful paths to purpose are often the ones we sidestep in conversation because they require uncomfortable vulnerability and radical honesty with ourselves. They ask us to acknowledge desires that might seem selfish, impractical, or at odds with the identity we've carefully constructed.

And that's SCARY.

Scary like standing on the edge of a cliff scary. Like walking into a room full of strangers scary. Like... well, you get it.

Why we hide our true ikigai

There are so many reasons we might keep our deepest sources of potential meaning hidden in the shadows;

• Fear of judgment - Will others think less of me if I pursue this? (The answer is almost always no, but tell that to the anxiety gremlins in my brain at 3am)

• Fear of failure - What if I'm not good enough at the thing I care about most? What if I'm TERRIBLE at the thing I love?

• Fear of success - What if chasing this changes my life in ways I'm not prepared for? What if I shine too bright or take up too much space?

• Inherited limitations - The voice in our head saying "people like us don't do things like that"

• Practical concerns - The very real constraints of finances, responsibilities, and time. We all have bills to pay.

Sometimes it's easier to stay busy with socially acceptable pursuits than to face the vulnerability of acknowledging what we truly want. I get that. It's like watching from the wings while someone else plays the lead role. The view's safe, but deep down you know those should be your lines they're saying, your moment they're living. Safer to be the understudy who never goes on, eh?

But here's a truth I've learned on my own journey, the energy it takes to suppress our authentic desires often exceeds the energy it would take to pursue them in some form, however modest.

When we ignore our shadow ikigai, it doesn't simply disappear. It shows up as restlessness, as envy, as resentment, as a vague sense of something missing despite checking all the "right" boxes. It's that feeling of "is this it?" even when everything in your life looks perfect on paper.

It's like those dreams where you're searching for something important but can't remember what it is. Except it's your waking life. And the thing you're searching for might just be the thing you've been pretending not to want.

The shadow ikigai discovery process

How do we begin to shine a light on what we've kept in the shadows? How do we coax these hidden dreams out of hiding?

Here's a process I've found helpful in my own journey and when working with others. It's not perfect, nothing about this journey is, but it's a starting point. A first step. A way in.

1. Permission slips

Start by giving yourself explicit permission to explore without commitment. Write yourself an actual permission slip (yes, like the ones from school) that says something like;

"I, Sarah, give myself permission to explore what I truly want, without judgment or obligation to act on it immediately. No pressure, just curiosity. Just to see what's there."

This creates the psychological safety needed to even begin thinking about desires you've kept hidden. Because honestly, sometimes we need written proof that it's okay to want what we want.

2. The jealousy compass

Notice who you feel envious of. Not general envy of wealth or status, but that specific pang when someone is doing something you secretly wish you were doing.

You know the feeling, right? That little twinge in your chest when you see someone living a particular kind of life or pursuing a specific passion? It's not about them having more money or a bigger house. It's about them doing that THING, that specific thing that lights them up. And something in you recognises it and responds.

Jealousy is often a compass pointing toward our shadow ikigai. The people who trigger this feeling aren't your enemies, they're showing you something important about yourself. They're holding up a mirror to the desires you've been pushing away.

3. The deathbed perspective

This classic reflection exists for a reason, even if it sounds morbid. Imagine looking back on your life from your deathbed. What would you regret not pursuing? What would you wish you'd spent more time on?

Often, this perspective cuts through the noise of day-to-day concerns and highlights what truly matters to us. The daily anxieties fall away, and what remains is what your soul truly longs for.

When I do this exercise, it’s so obvious I wouldn't care about promotions or a tidy house. I would care about the words I'd written, the people I'd connected with, the hearts I'd touched.

4. The secret list

Create a list of things you'd pursue if you were guaranteed success, if money were no object, and if no one would ever judge you for it. Don't censor yourself, write down everything that comes to mind, especially the things that make you cringe or feel vulnerable.

Then sit with this list. Notice which items create an emotional charge, which ones you find yourself thinking about later, which ones make your heart beat a little faster. Those are the clues. The breadcrumbs. The whispers of your shadow ikigai trying to be heard.

For me, writing was always on this list. Always. No matter how many times I tried to ignore it or push it away, it kept showing up, insistent and unignorable. And now here I am, writing to you. Funny how that works, isn't it?

5. AI as a non-judgmental reflection partner

This is where AI tools can be surprisingly helpful. Unlike human confidants who might have their own biases or expectations for you, AI offers a space to explore ideas without judgment.

Try prompting Claude or other AI companions with: "I want to explore my shadow ikigai, the purposes or passions I might be avoiding. Based on what I've shared with you about my interests and values, what might I be overlooking?"

Sometimes seeing our potential purposes reflected back to us can help us recognise what we've been hiding from ourselves. It's like having a conversation with a wise friend who has no stake in your choices, no agenda for your life, just a desire to help you see yourself more clearly.

I've had some of my most profound insights through these conversations. There's something about externalising our thoughts that helps us see them more clearly, like shining a light on shadows to reveal their true shapes.

Small steps toward authentic purpose

Once you've identified elements of your shadow ikigai, the challenge becomes finding ways to honour them without necessarily upending your entire life.

I’m not advocating for dramatic gestures or overnight transformations. It's not about quitting your job tomorrow to move to a cabin in the woods and write poetry (unless that's your thing, in which case, fair play!).

How do we allow previously hidden aspects of our purpose to gradually come into the light? Some approaches to consider;

The 1% shift - How could you dedicate just 1% of your time, that’s 15 minutes a day, to exploring this aspect of your purpose? Tiny pockets of time add up. They really do.

Integration rather than separation - Look for ways to bring elements of your shadow ikigai into existing roles and responsibilities. Could your love of teaching find expression in mentoring colleagues? Could your artistic eye enhance your presentations?

Purposeful play - Frame exploration as play rather than performance, removing the pressure to be immediately good at what might matter most to you. Give yourself permission to be terrible at it for a while! To make all the mistakes and move beyond your shitty first drafts.

Micro-commitments - Start with tiny commitments that create momentum, 15 minutes of writing before breakfast, a monthly art class, a weekly conversation with someone in a field you're drawn to. Small enough not to trigger resistance, but consistent enough to build something meaningful over time.

I've seen people make remarkable transformations by starting with these small acknowledgments of what truly matters to them. The aspiring teacher who volunteered once a month while keeping their corporate job. The closet artist who joined an online community and shared their work anonymously at first.

These small steps aren't compromises, they're bridges to a more integrated sense of purpose. They're love letters to your future self. Seeds planted today that will grow into forests of meaning tomorrow.

Finding wholeness through honesty

The most beautiful aspect of acknowledging our shadow ikigai is that it allows us to become more whole. When we bring these hidden aspects of ourselves into the light, we often discover that;

1. They're not as impractical as we feared (in fact, they might be surprisingly practical)

2. Other people are less judgmental than we imagined (they're too busy worrying about their own stuff)

3. Even small doses of authentic purpose bring disproportionate fulfillment (like, WAY more than you'd expect from the time invested)

This isn't about abandoning responsibilities or being selfish. It's about honouring the fullness of who you are and what matters to you. It's about bringing the hidden parts of yourself to the table and saying "these matter too".

In my own journey, acknowledging my shadow ikigai, my desire to write about purpose and help others find theirs, didn't mean quitting my job or rejecting other aspects of my identity. It meant creating space for this part of me to exist alongside everything else, gradually giving it more room as I realised how important it was to my sense of meaning.

It’s messy and imperfect and sometimes downright terrifying. But also... magical. Like watching a flower bloom in time-lapse, opening petal by petal to reveal its true nature. That's what happens when we give our shadow ikigai permission to emerge, we bloom. We become more vividly ourselves.

The shadow doesn't disappear when we acknowledge it. Instead, it transforms from something looming and unnamed into a recognised part of our inner landscape that we can actually work with. Sometimes it even becomes a friend, a companion on the journey, rather than something to fear or avoid. This is your moment in the spotlight, not one of harsh judgment, but of gentle illumination that allows you to finally see yourself clearly.

And isn't that what we're all seeking? Not perfection, but wholeness. Not an absence of challenges, but the presence of meaning that makes those challenges worthwhile.

Your turn, gentle questions for reflection

As you consider your own shadow ikigai, here are some journal prompts that might help illuminate what matters most to you;

1. What do I find myself researching or reading about when no one is watching? (For me, it was always psychology and systems for understanding human purpose. What a surprise, eh?)

2. If I had a secret identity, what would I be doing with my time? (Superhero costumes optional but encouraged)

3. What creative or meaningful pursuits have I abandoned because they weren't "practical"? What still tugs at my heart when I think about it?

4. Whose life or work do I feel drawn to but immediately dismiss with "I could never do that"? What exactly about their path speaks to me?

5. What activities make me lose track of time but I rarely prioritise? When was the last time I experienced that magical flow state?

6. What would it feel like to step out of the corner and into the spotlight of my own authentic purpose? What's the worst that could happen if I tried?

Exploring your shadow ikigai shouldn’t feel like hard work, it's about being honest with yourself about what truly lights you up and matters to you.

The path to purpose often begins with small acts of honesty, creating space to acknowledge what we already know at some level but haven't given ourselves permission to fully recognise. Like turning on the light in a room you've been stumbling around in the dark. The furniture was always there, you just couldn't see it clearly.

What might be waiting in the shadows of your ikigai, ready to be gently brought into the light? What rainbow-bright possibilities are hiding just beyond the edge of what you've allowed yourself to want?

I'd love to hear what you discover. Because sharing these hidden dreams, even in small ways, is often the first step to making them real.

Sarah, seeking ikigai xxx

PS - I don't think you can rush this process. Your shadow ikigai may have been hidden for years or even decades for reasons that made perfect sense at the time. Approach it with kindness and patience, allowing insights to emerge naturally rather than forcing them. This isn't a race or a test. It's an invitation to a deeper relationship with yourself.

PPS - If you're feeling brave, I'd love to hear in the comments if you've identified aspects of your shadow ikigai, those secret pursuits or purposes you've kept hidden. Sharing can be a powerful step in bringing them into the light, and you might be surprised to find how many others recognise themselves in your experience. We're all in this together, stumbling from the corner, finding courage to step into our own spotlights *hugs*

PPPS - This essay's title is inspired by R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion", my all-time favourite song….. finding our true purpose requires losing old beliefs about who we're supposed to be.